The Adventures of Terrence

Enguin
11854 posts Has That Special Something
It was a sunny winter's night, and Terrence lay on his sunbed beside the crackling fireplace. Looking out the window, he spotted nothing, because it was a winter's night and very dark and his home had no exterior lighting near to that particular window because earlier in the year a yak had fallen from the third floor and sued for damages and in the resulting settlement Terrence had had to raise money so had sold the external lighting near that particular window to partially fund this.

Suddenly, Terrence slowly turned around. Feeling hungry, he strolled into his kitchen and began to assemble a sandwich. Beginning with bread, Terrence was confident. As he reached for the butter and began to spread it on the 2 slices, his confidence only grew. This was going to be a great sandwich, of that he was sure. Like a pro Terrence added ingredient after ingredient, piling them several centimeters. When it came time to eat the sandwich, Terrence realised he simply could not. This sandwich was a thing of beauty, crafted from the finest breads, butters and cheeses the local Aldi had to offer.

Leaving the beautiful sandwich behind, Terrence headed for a cheeky midnight stroll. Putting on his sunglasses, he headed to his front door, before opening the door, exiting the house, and closing the door behind him. Sadly, somewhere along the way he made a blunder and ended up severing his left hand. In a panic, Terrence calmly called an ambulance and waited patiently for it to arrive.

Several months later, Terrence was fondling his armchair when a sudden noise suddenly alerted him to a sudden development in Sudan. Worriedly licking his kneecaps, Terrence listened in awe as the sudden Sudanese development was explained in great detail. Feeling moved, he slowly sprinted to his nearest ATM and withdrew all the money from all his accounts, donating it immediately to the Sudanese Support Society.

Unfortunately for Terrence, this left him unable to make any payments on any of his debts, and soon after his home was seized by the very bank that he had been keeping his money in, in a cruelly ironic twist of fate. As he sat crying passively at the sudden downward turn his life had taken, Terrence began to feel the funk flow through him. An irresistible urge to dance consumed him, until he had no choice but to stop feeling that way and be sad again, which he duly did.

After a number of seconds, Terrence realised there was no point prancing around feeling sorry for himself, and he decided to take positive action. Grabbing his machete, Terrence mercilessly butchered a family of 5. Feeling happier now and more confident in his life decisions, Terrence distributed violent retribution to a further 27 people, before being arrested on suspicion of drug trafficking. The charges were later dropped.

Terrence began to feel more and more like a giraffe as the weeks and months went by. One day, as he was galloping about the shopping center, he decided that he wanted to be a giraffe physically as well as mentally. After a quick phone call to his local veterinary surgeon, the appointments were made and the date was set, giraffes butchered and parts harvested.

On the day of the operation, Terrence began to get cold feet. He remedied this by pouring boiling water on his feet. Sadly, this caused irreversible nerve damage and Terrence found himself unable to walk. With his operation less than an hour away and his newly unlocked disability flexing its muscles, Terrence realised there was only one way he could ever become a giraffe now, and quickly dragged himself along with great caution to his bathroom where he kept his magic lamp. Upon arrival, Terrence remembered that his house had been repossessed a number of months ago and that he was just dragging himself around a public toilet and hallucinating.

Forty years earlier, Terrence's father Terrence was watching his son Terrence playing on the lawn. A jealous rage consumed Terrence as he watched Terrence's carefree frolicking, and he charged with a blood-curdling scream, slaying him in twixt.

Fifty yards away from this, Terrence's father's father Terrence was watching his son Terrence charge with a blood-curdling scream at his grandson Terrence. Feeling a great motherly instinct, Terrence dived in front of Terrence, preventing Terrence from killing Terrence, instead killing Terrence. Realising the cost of what he had done, Terrence regretted ever attempting to save Terrence, and turned to him with a look of pure banter and a twinkle in his eye.

It was at this moment that Terrence vowed to always look both ways before crossing the street, and that promise he took with him to his deathbed when he died.

THE END

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