Overheard conversation....

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  • EricVanDerek
    699 posts Semi-Pro
    edited January 15
    Boss: You may be wondering why we're having this meeting in the canteen? I can't fit you all in my office.
    SR: You want to discuss what happened in the last game boss?
    Boss: Too damn right Sergio!
    KW: But you always say it's a game of 90 minutes boss?
    Boss: Yes Kyle - it is.
    KW: So we concentrated until 90 minutes were up.

    Boss: (Pause) But that's just a figure of speech Kyle. You should keep playing until the final whistle blows. When the corner was cleared, I expected you to do something.

    LS: I did boss!
    Boss: Thank you Luis. You did. But just running at the ball isn't really enough - I was rather hoping you'd tackle the player - like I told you to?
    LS: I'm a forward boss. I score goals. Well, except when I miss sitters for no good reason... I'm not paid to tackle.
    Boss: OK. What about everyone else? I specifically asked you all to rush at the ball? Alex? N'Golo? Sergio?

    (deadly silence)

    SR: I was expecting Alex to run at it.
    AT: No! That's N'Golo's job!
    NK: Was not! My job was to run and get the celebratory oranges ready...

    DM: Hey! I ran at the ball!
    SR: Oh come on Dries! You're two foot three. What did you expect to achieve?
    DM: I got my body in the way...
    TC: And diverted a shot that was going wide into the goal!

    Boss: OK everyone, calm down, calm down. We conceded a ridiculous, lucky, preventable equaliser in injury time. It's not like that happens every game, is it?

    (pause)

    (sound of boss sobbing...)


    [Note: For those doubting that this was indeed in injury time, it's on the scoreboard at the start of the video...]

    Post edited by EricVanDerek on
  • Boss: Riyad? Can we talk please?
    RM: Listen boss. I know I said earlier that you were a crappy manager, but I didn't mean it like that...
    Boss: It's ok. You're not the first to say that, and I'm sure won't be the last. No, I want you to learn from Mo.
    RM: What do you mean?
    Boss: you know how when someone breathes on him in the box he goes down?
    RM: Yep?
    Boss: Well, can't you do it as well?
    RM: Even when we're winning?

    (pause)

    Boss: What?
    RM: Well, we were winning, so I didn't want to embarrass them...

    (sound of boss sobbing...)


    [Note: I know this was most probably outside the area. And arguably there was a "fair" advantage played. But it was the second time in that game that my player had been clipped in the box, and both times they'd showed remarkable balance to stay on their feet. And yes - the other time was definitely inside the box, and Suarez lost the ball (but therefore the clip wasn't saved). It's amazing how players stay on their feet when you're in the lead, but you can give away (and receive) ridiculous penalties when you're behind...]

  • Bob_Dylan
    19224 posts World Class
    Meet Mikael Lustig

  • CT: Can I speak with you boss?
    Boss: Sure Carlos. How's the nose?
    CT: Not so good, but that wasn't the reason I wanted to see you.
    Boss: Well, what's the matter?
    CT: You bought me for a lot of money.
    Boss: Yes?
    CT: But I've not been playing in the big games? I just get wheeled out for some pathetically minor games against opposition that seem like beginners, where as soon as we've scored 5 goals you disappear from the dug-out and go and have a beer somewhere.
    Boss: Wait - you know about that?
    CT: We all do. (pause) But why aren't I playing in the games that matter?
    Boss: Ah - it's complicated...
    CT: I see you've also now signed Zlatan? Is it complicated with him as well?
    Boss: Yes it is. But he's... different. (pause) All ok - ready for the next big game?

    CT: Not really. Now that I've broken my nose, I need to head back to Argentina to have it seen by a specialist. I'm likely to be gone for a few months. Sorry...
    Boss: Hold on Carlos. (pause) You didn't... run in to Lukaku on purpose in that game, did you?!?
    CT: How dare you accuse me of that! You'll be hearing from my lawyers!!!


    [Note: This is not a last minute equaliser, or a goal when coming from behind. It's just something that I found funny at the time, was able to record it, and find very funny every time I watch it. Sad I know...]

  • Boss: Well, what did he say?
    JB: Doc confirmed it. I've definitely got Pearollaphobia.
    (JB breaks down crying)
    Boss: Oh Jerome - I'm so sorry. (pause) I could see Davinson was desperately calling out to the bench that your condition had been triggered again, but what could I do in the middle of the game?
    JB: He's seen it before, he knows the signs.
    Boss: I wish I could say it's ok - but unfortunately I think this is the end for you.
    JB: (between sobs) No!!!
    Boss: What can I do Jerome? Those great defensive and physical stats of yours are obviously pure lies.
    JB: They're not!
    Boss: How can they be if you're afraid of balls that are passed slowly along the ground?!?

    (pause)

    Boss: Did Doc say anything else?
    JB: He... he said it's an unusual version - it only seems to happen when we're ahead...

    (sound of boss sobbing...)

  • Boss: Sergio?
    SR: Si?
    Boss: Tell me straight: is there any truth to the rumour that you're seeking a transfer?
    SR: No boss!
    Boss: I don't believe you. (pause) They say you're nervous I'll bring in Virgil?
    SR: Maybe a little.
    Boss: Everyone does rave about him you know...
    SR: But how many Champions League titles has he won? How many world cups?!? He's just a wannabe ugly thug!

    Boss: Maybe, but he doesn't score ridiculous own goals?
    SR: How could it be my fault? I couldn't even see the ball when it came in... I wasn't looking. Couldn't see it! I was too busy talking to the opposition's attacker and telling him to be quiet because his team was behind. (pause) For another 2 seconds, at least...

    (sound of boss sobbing....)



  • [Note: the recording of the following conversation was originally thought to have been lost in the same waste bin as Hendrix's "Black Gold" and Kurt Cobain's solo album. But thankfully it's been found down the back of the sofa...]

    Boss: Jan?
    JO: Yes boss?

    (long pause)

    Boss: Well?
    JO: Well what?
    Boss: Come on, let's not play games. We both know why I've asked you to see me.
    JO: You want to increase my salary? Make me team captain in place of Sergio? You're going to build a statue of me outside the ground, and need to take measurements?

    Boss: No - I want to discuss what happened just before half time earlier.
    JO: Oh that? That was nothing. Happens all the time. I'm forever doing things like that. Don't worry about it - all top goal-keepers are doing this - usually at least two or three times a match. (pause) Anyway, about this statue...

    (sound of boss sobbing...)


  • Djkhalid1921
    9273 posts League Winner
    giphy.gif
  • NK: Boss, I've something to tell you.
    Boss: You're leaving me darling?!? Don't go, N'Golo !! I... I... I won't be able to cope without you...

    (pause)

    NK: No boss. I'm not leaving you. (pause) I've just decided not to tackle any more.

    Boss: WHAT?!? But that's what you do best? Along with reacting and running and intercepting and... well, that other thing you did last night - that was very good you know...

    NK: I've thought about it, and it's the only solution. If I'm getting yellow-carded for that tackle in the game earlier, then I'm a walking red card. I'm like the love child of Joey Barton and Lee Cattermole, but on crack. And no-one wants that...

    Boss: I understand. I don't like it, but I understand.

    NK: One other thing boss?
    Boss: Yes darling?
    NK: Why haven't you asked to see Kev?
    Boss: Why would I do that?
    NK: Well, in the same game, he has a shot parried by the onrushing keeper, it bounces off his chest, which takes both Kevin and the ball past the grounded keeper. So Kevin - a very composed player you know - is 6 yards out with an empty net in front of him, and the ball gently looping down to him...

    Boss: And he decides to try and chest it in, yes.

    NK: That cost us the game boss!
    Boss: Absolutely. Well, Kev's agreed to more work in the gym, focussing on his pecs. When an attempted chest-in doesn't even reach the goal line, and allows their defender to get back and clear it, you know you something's wrong...
    NK: But why didn't you have a conversation with him about it?
    Boss: Unfortunately the cameraman had popped out for a quick smoke, so we don't have any video evidence of it happening. I can't really comment on something where there's no video, can I?
    NK: Sure. See you later boss.


    (sound of boss sobbing...)

  • JM: YOU F****** B****** G****!
    Boss: Ah Juan! Come on in, hello, can I help you?
    JM: I'm not happy!
    Boss: No... I'd never have guessed.
    JM: You're not playing me!!!! I'm scoring lots, and yet I still don't get any game time in the matches that matter? You ****** !!!
    Boss: Well... the matches you play in matter?
    JM: No they ***** don't...
    Boss: They do. If we play well in those matches, we get more points, and it strengthens my hand in the transfer market. In fact, I don't even have to spend any money - come early Monday morning I find a whole pack of German goalkeepers sitting outside wanting to join our club.

    (pause)

    Boss: Besides, you played in the last big game?
    JM: That was just because you screwed up and none of your favourite players were fit!
    Boss: That may, or may not, be true. But whatever the reason, you got to play.

    JM: And I scored!
    Boss: Yes you did. Well done Juan.
    JM: So why aren't I playing the next match?
    Boss: I like to look at the overall performance Juan.
    JM: What are you saying?
    Boss: You know - not just the second half, but the first half as well.
    JM: Ah...
    Boss: You see, whilst we played better in the second half, it's fair to say we didn't in the first half. We were 3-0 down at half time. You've got to take some responsibility for that Juan.
    JM: Yes, I suppose so. But it was a good goal? It showed I kept going right until the last minute?

    (pause)

    Boss: Actually, I think your consolation goal showed that their Kepa had rather switched off by that stage.
    JM: Their keeper?
    Boss: No, their Kepa.
    JM: They have bees?
    Boss: What?
    JM: They have a bee-keeper?
    Boss: Errr... I'm not sure what you mean?
    JM: Or was he a keeper because they didn't have him on loan? You know - they're going to keep him?
    Boss: I'm getting very confused now.

    JM: Well... STUFF YOU!!! I'm going to continue scoring goals for the reserves.
    Boss: Actually - you're not even in the reserves. It's more like the fourth team...

    (sound of door slamming)
    (sound of boss sobbing...)

    [Note: The initial shot was pathetically weak. It was only for a consolation goal for me to make it 3-2 after a "spirited" comeback in the second half, but if that had happened in a close game, I imagine the opposition would have rightly been raging...]

  • Boss: Kyle?

    (pause)

    KW: Me?
    Boss: Yes Kyle, your name is Kyle... (pause) Corners, posts - I'm getting deja vu here...
    KW: Err... I've heard of Dejan Lovren, but not Deja Vu - is he a mexican winger?
    Boss: No, it's ... never mind. (pause) What do I ask you to do when taking the post at corners, and the ball comes towards you?
    KW: Head it boss!

    Boss: The BALL, Kyle. Head the BALL, not the post!

    KW: Oh. (pause) Even if it's injury time?

    (sound of boss sobbing...)


    [Note: Apologies for the poor video, but I was trying to find the best angle to show what happened....]



  • Boss: Luis, thank you for rescuing the game for us just there.
    LS: Yes. It's what I do.
    Boss: Just one tiny request...?
    LS: Shoot.
    Boss: I thought that was what you did?!

    (silence)

    Boss: A joke? (pause) Never mind... Next time you're trying to score an equaliser in the 122nd minute, can I suggest that you aim for the open part of the goal, rather than trying to thread the ball through an impossibly small gap between two large objects?
    LS: Interesting... Remind me again what level you played to?
    Boss: Ah - nothing much. I did play in the FA Cup a couple of times.
    LS: Right... Why don't you just let me do the shooting, and you concentrate on getting better at coaching.

    (sound of door slamming...)

    Boss: Bye Luis...

    (sound of boss sobbing...)


    [Note: If I was on the receiving end of this, I'd be rather frustrated. However, this was in the same game as Walker heading the post, so I only feel a little bit guilty. I went on to win the penalty shoot-out ...]



  • FCBlunt
    1954 posts Fans' Favourite
    tenor.gif?itemid=8397690
  • TC: You don't like me, do you boss?
    Boss: What makes you say that Thibaut?
    TC: Well, you shout at me a lot... (pause) And you keep saying that you wish David could play with Sergio...
    Boss: I'm sorry, I get a bit carried away at times.
    TC: I know I make lots of mistakes boss. I'm so sorry.
    Boss: If it's any consolation, you're not the only keeper who screws up...

    (sound of boss sobbing...)

    [Note: This is just a compilation of particularly bad keeping - both by my keeper and the opposition's. In all cases it was at the "usual" times...]








  • SR: Do you have any of those glasses that Edgar wears boss?
    Boss: No. Why?
    SR: My eyesight's obviously going. Earlier in the game, the ball came over, and I... well, I completely missed it...

    (sound of boss sobbing...)

  • Pxul_
    7724 posts League Winner
  • AT: Have you got a file boss?
    Boss: Alex - haven't seen you for a while... A file, you say - great... Do you want to keep a record of all your notes on opposition players?
    AT: No - like a file for smoothing things, you know, like a big nail file. Because my head's obviously got strange corners on it - in the match earlier, I tried to head it clear down-field, but I ended up just heading it back across goal to Pogba. It must be the shape of my head...

    (sound of boss sobbing...)

  • [Note: Does anyone know how to record a whole game - without me turning into a YouTuber / streamer? There's just so much ... "stuff" ... happening in game, only being able to share the highlights as decided by EA is rather restricting.
    For instance, in a Rivals game just now, my attacker had both feet taken out from under him about two foot inside the box, and the ref gave a free-kick a yard outside the box...
    Boss is starting to think the refs have been bought...
    Thanks]
  • JuliantbX
    1828 posts Play-Off Hero
    Shezzzzzzz wrote: »
    +1 for effort

  • pudgyfudgy
    5369 posts Big Money Move
    Just scored an own goal yesterday in which the opponent striker hit the post with a weak shot, and the ball trickled along the goal line. My defender then tripped over my GK who was in the midst of getting up after his dive, and rolled along the goal line like Neymar, nudging the ball into the net.

    Would have made a great punchline for your great dialogues :D
  • Boss: I'm laughing. But also, as a fellow manager, I'm crying... More importantly - who's this defender? Sounds like exactly the sort of player that would fit in at this club. How much do you want for him?

    I don't suppose you noted what time the goal was, or what the state of the game was? Sergio keeps telling me these things only happen in certain specific situations. But then again, Sergio's nothing more than a no-talent brainless oaf who gets himself yellow-carded for stupid things. What on earth is he doing running towards the ball, for Lambo's sake...?!?

    (sound of boss sobbing...)


    [Note: Ramos is the middle defender. Stupid oaf...]

  • Boss: Virgil? How can I help?
    VVD: I've decided to change career boss.
    Boss: What?!?
    VVD: Well, I've been watching the rugby on the TV this weekend, and thought: "hey! I can do that..."
    Boss: Yes, but there are different skill-sets involved.
    VVD: I can kick the ball aimlessly into touch?
    Boss: OK... But only when we're ahead?
    VVD: If their player is ahead of the ball, I know to let him go because he's offside.
    Boss: I'll give you that. It's a problem in football, but it'll work in rugby.

    VVD: And I'm great at tackling.

    Boss: Yes. The thing is Virgil, in rugby, the intention is to tackle the opposition, not your own player...


    (sound of boss sobbing)


    [Note: I'm not quite sure what Virgil is doing in this clip, but rather than challenge for the ball he rugby-tackles his own player Aurier]

  • DDG: Boss?

    (sound of boss sobbing)


    [Note: Words simply cannot do justice to this... Only to point out, if you hadn't guessed already, that I was ahead against a lower ranked team]

  • Pxul_
    7724 posts League Winner
    This is my favourite thread
  • Boss: Kiko, come in.
    IC: Boss! It's Iker! How many times must I tell you - Kiko's someone diff--

    Boss: Look - it doesn't really matter, as the board have made the decision to terminate you.

    IC: What?!?
    Boss: Well, we've given you plenty of chances to impress, and... well, we're not impressed.
    IC: So you're terminating my contract? I do get paid out on the remainder of it, right?
    Boss: No, we're terminating you. We want to bring in George Best--

    IC: But he's dead?!?
    Boss: A minor detail Iko... and to afford Georgie we need to offload some players. After today's performance, you're one of the guys who we're getting rid of.
    IC: So which club am I being sold to?
    Boss: You're not being sold. You're being terminated. You won't exist anymore. (pause) Don't take it personally...

    (sound of IC sobbing...)


    [Note: thankfully this was only a SB game. But still....]

  • Chavez76
    2515 posts Fans' Favourite
    this is, will be, and will remain my favorite thread this year
  • Boss: Virgil, Dave... WHY?!? (pause) Why, for the love of all that is true and noble in this world, why would you both make such a complete horlicks of such a simple cross in the last flippin' minute. I mean - we were trying to protect a lead!?!?

    (pause)

    Boss: Well? Answer me!!

    VVD: Boss... you know when we both joined the club, you told us to be like Sergio and Thibaut, only better?
    DDG: Well, we've watched some of your old videos of them, and have been working hard at replicating what they do in the last minute of games.
    VVD: We thought we did very well?

    (sound of boss sobbing...)


  • Boss: Lads, a good win today. We played well, moved the ball around nicely, finished our chances... And then...

    KDB: We went ahead.
    Boss: Kev? Why does that change anything?
    KDB: Whatever. Anyway, I could hear you shouting to slip Riyad in...
    Boss: Absolutely
    KDB: But then I thought... well, he won't be with us that much longer, so why bother passing to him...

    RM: WHAT?!?
    (sound of laughing)

    KDB: Haven't you heard Riyad? The boss is looking to bring in George Best?
    RM: But he's dead!
    Boss: Ah, Riyad...

    (sound of laughing)

    RM: When were you going to tell me about this?
    Boss: Well, it's not 100% confirmed yet.
    RM: Is that why Iker has disappeared?!?
    Boss: Look, it's not certain that you'll be dropped for Georgie...
    RM: Yeah, right. (pause) Was it because I called you a crap manager?

    (sound of laughing)
    Boss: Gary? I don't know why you're laughing so much... You're supposed to be a top striker, and after Kev lays the ball off to you... well, I'm screaming at you to hit the ball across the keeper...
    GL: I don't do easy goals boss. Thought I'd try and take it on my weak foot and go near post. Didn't work. (laughs) But Riyad's getting fired!!

    (sound of a fight breaking out)
    (sound of boss sobbing...)


  • Boss: Riyad? Everything ok? (pause) You know these are just tabloid rumours about us bringing in George Best?
    RM: That's what I wanted to see you about boss.
    Boss: Go on...

    RM: Clearly there's pressure on me to retain my place in the team. So I've been working on a new free kick routine in training. Did you see it in the match today boss?
    Boss: Yes, Riyad, yes I did. (pause) It was... interesting....
    RM: But it's a certain goal every time. At least, if we're behind in the match. So do I get to retain my place?

    Boss: I'll think about it Riyad. I can't promise you any more than that.
    RM: I've got other free-kicks I can do?!?

    (sound of boss sobbing...)

    [Note: I was behind in the game when this happened. I then conceded two equally ludicrous goals and lost, so I don't feel too guilty. But still....]


  • Boss: Frenkie... Frenkie, oh Frenkie...
    FdJ: It's not my fault, boss. It's yours, ja?
    Boss: Interesting... explain please?
    FdJ: Well, I don't get to play much with these boys. I get confused who's in my team.
    Boss: There's a little clue in the fact that you're all wearing the same colour kit?
    FdJ: Ja. But still confusing.

    Boss: But surely you know that in injury time, with the game level, when the ball comes into your own box, you clear it?
    FdJ: I am quiet, shy man. I don't want to take the glory.
    Boss: Eh?
    FdJ: I want to just do my thing in the background. So if I clear the ball, it means I have the last kick of the game, and means spotlight is on me. So I give spotlight to someone else...

    (sound of boss sobbing...)


    [Note: A perfect pass - if he'd been up the other end...
    It's now taken for granted that my "iconic" defender will let their main striker waltz into the box with all the space in the world, and my keeper will flail his arms as if surprised the ball's ended up anywhere near him ...]


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