Overheard conversation....

The following is a transcript of a secretly bugged conversation from the team dressing room after the most recent game:

Boss: "Mr Walker. Do you know what a post is?"
KW: "Yes boss"
Boss: "So when we ask you to take the post on corners, what does that mean?"
KW: "Stand by it, boss"
Boss: "Yeah. Right by it. Not a ball's width away from it."
KW: "Yeah boss"
Boss: "But let's move on .... What do you do then?"

... (hard to make out what is said at this point - it sounds like machinery whirring) ...

KW: "Dunno boss".
Boss: "Maybe keep the ball out when it comes to you?"
KW: "Yeah boss, but, well, you know...."
Boss: (clearly getting very angry now) "The opposition defenders can chase around after us manically all game without getting tired --"
KW: "But boss--
Boss: "Let me finish! They stick tighter to Luis here than a set of dentures to Giorgio's shoulder. They can hurl themselves in front of our shots like they're in the flipping' Matrix ... and yet you can't even move one half-step to the left to keep a shot out of our net ?!?"

... long pause ...

KW: "But boss - the game told me to let them score then..."

Boss: "Ah - why didn't you say??!? Well done son - have another bonus."


  • Dasco
    6476 posts Big Money Move
    +1 for the additional humour :lol:
  • Shezzzzzzz
    1206 posts Professional
    +1 for effort
  • StoneColdO
    47 posts Park Captain
    Haha this is good stuff..
  • SweatBeautifully
    1353 posts Professional
    10/10 would read again
  • BGAlum
    945 posts Semi-Pro
    Well done...
  • SweatBeautifully
    1353 posts Professional
    :D :D :D
  • Pepe Le DiLzZ
    14331 posts Has That Special Something
    Ramos lifting his legs up like that. :joy:

    Thanks for the giggles man having a **** day at work.
  • BGAlum
    945 posts Semi-Pro
    As always one of the best reasons to visit this site.
  • BaccaTheNet
    896 posts Professional
    This is great
  • DKCena
    1710 posts Play-Off Hero
    I love this :lol: Keep em coming.

    Sometimes i tell stories like this to myself when my players loosing their head.
  • SteGriff83
    139 posts Has Potential To Be Special
    Hilarious 😂

  • Crookieee123
    156 posts Has Potential To Be Special
    This is brilliant
  • BGAlum
    945 posts Semi-Pro
    Didn’t you hear? Now that TOTY is out, his rare gold won’t be fully functional... Sergio is holding out for more money

  • tetsu0jin
    1863 posts Fans' Favourite
    These are gold
  • Poolstu123
    714 posts An Exciting Prospect
  • Tintin80
    33 posts Last Pick at the Park
    total bs goal

    great post tho!
  • (Knock on door...)

    Boss: Come in, come in boys. Yep, I know it's a bit squashed in here - but I'm sure we can all fit in. Jerome - you ok perching on the desk? Just make sure you don't knock off my signed photo of @Spillaren - have I ever told you about the time he told me to fu--... Ah - I can see you're not interested. Let's get down to business.
    I just wanted to thank you for being patient. I know you want game time, but it's hard. I've got over a thousand other players in the club, clamouring to play as well. It's no wonder my coaching's so crap - I'm spending all my time sorting out all the players. So it's hard to give you games.

    DA: But I'm one of the best left-backs in the club! You told me that yourself boss.
    Boss: You are, David, you are. But... it's not that easy. I have problems.
    DS: You know you can get pills for that? I can hook you up with someone if you want--
    Boss: No!!! Davinson! I was talking about football problems. You see, every game is like a cup final here. There are rewards on the line. So it feels like I need to put the best team out every time.

    DA: So why don't you play me with Sergio boss?
    Boss: Unfortunately it's not that easy David. You see, I can only play you with Jerome.
    DA: What?!? I'm a professional footballer! I can play with anyone!
    Boss: Unfortunately David, it would seem not. Playing you with Sergio means you... well, you don't play very well at all. Indeed - if I didn't know better, I'd say you were a bronze-standard player.
    RS: But bronze standard players play like Icons boss? Even if they're playing with people they've never seen before?

    (long pause)

    Boss: Yes Renato. You're right. It seems I've argued against myself here. Oh hang it. You can all play the next game. Just don't let me down boys, there are big rewards on the line here...

    (to be continued...)
  • nextqprmanager
    3324 posts National Call-Up
    Good Thread ...
    ideally we need `Brothers` - they really play well together, wait .....
    what about the Boatengs?
    oh dang it !!!! aaarrrggghh
  • EricVanDerek
    700 posts Semi-Pro
    edited January 11
    Boss: Lads, come in... Did you enjoy playing today?
    JB: Yes boss. It was good to play for a change.
    Boss: Good good. You'll see I've asked Kyle and Frank to join us. So apologies David that you’re having to sit on Jerome’s lap. Now why do you think I've called you in today?
    DS: To talk about the game earlier?

    Boss: Spot on Davinson, spot on.
    DA: Well boss, we started off great, you know, and got that two goal lead and then... well, we remembered what you said about giving the oppo a chance if we're ahead--
    Boss: David, David - can I stop you there please? Sergio said the same earlier this week. Not you as well?!? I did not say to give the opposition a chance when you go ahead. Never did, never will. (pause) Anyway, they got that soft goal back, but you held on well through the second half. Nice football, passed it around, created chances again. Well done lads. Renato - I was particularly impressed by how you realised that you'd miraculously lost about 50% of your strength and tackling ability in that second half, so made adjustments accordingly.
    RS: Thanks boss.
    Boss: So - we get to the last 7 minutes. We're still 2-1 up, so I made a change. Brought on big Frank here. A bit of experience - all 55 years of it. Where did I ask you to play Frank?
    FR: Centre Back boss. Slot in alongside Davinson and Jerome, make it five at the back.
    Boss: Absolutely. And what did I tell you just before you went on Frank?
    FR: Protect the lead boss. Shore things up, don't let them get a sniff of a goal. Snuff out the danger before they've even thought about it.
    Boss: Brilliant. So...?

    (long pause - shuffling of feet, twiddling of thumbs...)

    FR: It didn't quite work out as planned boss.
    Boss: No, it didn't, did it?
    JB: We started off in a good position boss.
    Boss: Absolutely Jerome. I can't fault your starting position. All 6 of you defending, covering the centre. But then the ball goes wide...

    JB: It's David's fault boss. He said that the music had stopped.

    Boss: What ?!?
    FR: Well, we'd been playing playing musical statues in our warm up, and so just instinctively Jerome and I joined him in being statues for a bit. You know the game?
    Boss: Yes, I know musical statues!!!

    FR: But then we realised we were in the middle of a game of football, so we carried on. (pause).
    JB: Well, sort of...
    KW: Who was picking up Dennis? I already had my hands full with my own man at the back post...
    Boss: Kyle - thank you! That's a great question. Well everyone?
    DA: Me
    RS: Me
    FR: Me
    DS: Not me boss, I was running to help Jerome.
    Boss: Right - three of you here say you were picking up Dennis? Do you know what picking up a player means? It means tracking their run. Staying close to them, being their shadow. You know, like how the other teams are with us... Not running for one step and and then letting one of the best players in the world through on goal in acres of space in the flippin' six yard box to score a flippin' scorpion kick!!!

    (embarrassed silence...)

    Boss: Sorry for losing it there... OK. These things happen... But Frank - I'm really interested to know what in Lambo's name you were doing? You seemed to run back towards goal a bit, but then stopped again?!?
    FR: I thought the music had stopped again boss. It's very noisy in that stadium you know...
    Boss: But then you actually ran away from the goal, and pointed at Dennis?
    FR: Yep boss.
    Boss: Even though you're a very experienced defender and I'd specifically asked you to defend?
    FR: Yep boss.
    Boss: Frank - you've got to take responsibility. For the player, not just pass him on to someone else... Renato's just a young kid you know, he's still learning the basics of the game. I can sort of forgive him for not tracking Denis.

    FR: Boss. If I can stop you there. It's not Renato's fault. I knew what was going to happen. So I pointed out Dennis to Renato - he's too young to know who he is - and told him to watch out for his scorpion kick.
    Boss: Eh !??
    FR: Well, if Renato wasn't careful he'd get kicked in the head.
    RS: Absolutely boss.
    FR: Can't be too careful boss. Kicks in the head are a major health and safety risk in the workplace you know.

    (sound of Boss sobbing...)

    [Note: when the clip starts, the boys are lined up in a 3-1-2 sort of formation. Jerome's the left most of the back 3 defenders, Frank's the player just in front of them... Don't worry so much about the other players...]

    Post edited by EricVanDerek on
  • kayron16
    2115 posts Fans' Favourite
    Great goal there
  • EricVanDerek
    700 posts Semi-Pro
    edited January 11
    TB: You wanted to see me boss?
    Boss: Ah - Thibaut. Thanks for popping in. All good?
    TB: Yes boss.
    Boss: Any problems at home?
    TB: No boss.
    Boss: You sleeping well?
    TB: (slightly unsure now) Errr.. yes, ok?
    Boss: I'll admit it, Thibaut: I'm concerned about you. We payed a lot of money to get you into the club. And - well, let's face it... you've been letting in more goals than we'd expect.
    TB: Yes boss - but often we go ahead in a game. So--
    Boss: No! Not you as well? Read my lips: Do not go easy if we're in the lead!!! OK?
    TB: Yes boss.

    Boss: But in the most recent game, we were actually drawing, it's a good game, we're right at the end of the match and will take a draw - and then... well, help me understand what happened please?
    TB: It's easy to explain boss.
    Boss: ... Because when the cross comes in, Kyle's got it covered - he's in a great position to head the ball away, and...

    TB: It's the butterflies boss.

    Boss: Eh?
    TB: There were a lot of butterflies in the six yard box in that game. I didn't have my net with me, so I thought I'd try and catch them in my hands.

    (long pause)

    Boss: Next time try and catch them when the game's finished, ok?

    (sound of boss sobbing....)

    [Note: unfortunately it's not the best clip, but just concentrate on Courtois ...]

    Post edited by EricVanDerek on
  • Persevere80
    1093 posts Professional
    Bookmarked, funny as....
  • cule54
    642 posts An Exciting Prospect
    You sir are my hero 😂😂😂. BTW do you use RTTF RS?. About to get him to link up with DA JB AND IF Lewandowski. How did he play for you?
  • Boss: N'golo...
    NK: Boss?
    Boss: What do I call you?
    NK: Darling?
    Boss: No! In front of the other players?
    NK: Right... "my dynamic little disruptive destroyer"?
    Boss: Exactly. Why do you think I call you that?
    NK: Errr... because I disrupt and destroy in a dynamic fashion?
    Boss: Correct!


    Boss: So what happened earlier?
    NK: (Uncomfortable) Do you really want me to talk about it here - what if someone overhears ?!?
    Boss: No! What happened in the game!
    NK: Ah... (pause) What do you mean boss?
    Boss: You're tracking Griezmann's run from midfield - like you always do, and you normally do it so very well - and then... well, you stop. You actually run away from him. If I didn't know you better, I'd say you're scared?
    NK: Not scared exactly...
    Boss: Then what?
    NK: Well... yes, scared. You see the last time I tried to tackle a quick forward, he scythed me down and almost broke my leg.
    Boss: Timo? Timo's only got a sliding tackle rating of (shuffling of papers) 19. 19!!! There's no way he should be able to get the ball from you in that way.

    NK: But it was the last minute boss.

    Boss: Whatever... Why not track Griezmann? According to my stats (more shuffling of papers) you've got a marking stat of 99!
    NK: I'm nervous of going into tackles again boss. If you watch the video, you'll see Sergio helpfully pointed out that it was Mr Bully Griezmann, and so... yes, I tried to hide from him. Which is very difficult on a big football pitch...
    Boss: Ok, understood. Well next time use that great engine on you to track back.
    NK: Actually boss, I've got an anchor on me.
    Boss: An anchor? Well, that could explain why you run so slow in the last couple of minutes...

    (sound of boss crying)

    [The first clip is of Kante being scythed down by Werner - in the last minute. The second is a very suspect bit of tracking from Kante - as the clip starts he's in the middle of the screen...]

  • cule54 wrote: »
    You sir are my hero 😂😂😂. BTW do you use RTTF RS?. About to get him to link up with DA JB AND IF Lewandowski. How did he play for you?

    Boss: I only bought Renato a few days ago - similarly to link with Lewa and he's only played a couple of games for us. Other than some dodgy tracking in the last minute, he's been pretty impressive - a great engine on him, covers the ground well and gets stuck into tackles. He's definitely a big upgrade on my Red Witsel (but don't tell Axel that - he's sulking enough for being dropped as it is...)

    But obviously I'm going to report you for tapping up my players... :)
  • EricVanDerek
    700 posts Semi-Pro
    edited January 14
    Boss: Boys - I've got some exciting news!
    KW: We're being transferred?
    Boss: What? No. (pause) Although it's tempting. No - I've had an agent on the phone.
    RM: We are being transferred! Hurrah!!! Now I can leave this crappy club behind with its crappy manager and crappy players--
    Boss: Riyad, steady on lad. You're not being transferred. It wasn't a sports agent.
    TC: Well what type of agent? Not a tax agent? I pay my taxes, honest...
    Boss: Thibaut. Don't worry - she wasn't a tax agent. She was a film agent, working on a new blockbuster film - and after today's game they want the three of you to share the lead role.
    KW: Go on?

    Boss: It's a remake of The Matrix - you know the one where Keanu moves in incredible ways to avoid bullets? The working title is "The Matrix: they came from behind"

    TC: It's a porno?!?

    (sound of boss sobbing)

    [Note: Riyad's in front of Sane at the front post. It's a great starting position... ]
    [Edit: I've just noticed the still from the video that appears. It makes what happens next even more ridiculous...]

    Post edited by EricVanDerek on
  • Boss: Kyle. We need to talk.
    KW: Absolutely boss. (pause) What about?
    Boss: You! At the risk of repeating myself, what's your job when you're on the post at corners?
    KW: Oooh!! I know the answer to this one now! Get in the way of the ball!
    Boss: Well done Kyle.
    KW: I did it in this game boss! We were ahead in the game and everything - and the header came in and I got in the way!
    Boss: Yes...
    KW: Do I get another bonus boss?
    LB: Pah!
    Boss: Laurent - let me finish with Kyle, then I'll come to you...
    LB: Pah!

    Boss: Kyle. You did get in the way of the ball, you're right. Leaving aside the fact that it was most probably going wide, there was one other problem with it.

    LB: Pah!!!
    KW: Why are you being so negative?!? You let a little midget out-jump you!
    LB: (drags on his Gitanes....) It was not my fault, you little English nothing. I was... how you say...? rugby tackled before I could levitate my perfect physique into the air...

    Boss: You've got a point Laurent.
    KW: You're just siding with him because he's won a World Cup!

    Boss: Anyway, Kyle. You got in the way of the ball. Bravo. (pause) Now, do you possibly think that maybe there's a good place for the ball to go, but that maybe there's also a bad place for the ball to go?

    KW: I don't care! I did what you told me to do!

    LB: Pah!

    Boss: OK. Kyle - next time, maybe don't chest it back across goal, ok?

    (sound of boss sobbing...)

    [Note: this doesn't need any explanation. But it is one of the most ludicrous things I've seen for a while....]

  • Boss: Frank. Let's get straight to the point. What happened there? You're marking Lozano, and then.. you're not.
    FR: Simple explanation boss - it was the last minute.
    Boss: What's that got to do with anything?
    FR: Well, since we were ahead I thought I'd run off down the tunnel - you know the one in the corner of the pitch - to avoid the crush.
    Boss: But the game hadn't finished?!?
    FR: Well yes, I realise that now. But at the time I was confused.
    Boss: What? Why were you confused?
    FR: Thibaut had said that he could beat my limbo record. I just wasn't expecting him to do it during the game...

    (sound of boss sobbing...)

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